You Not Going To Rehab Would Be What Kills Me (Your Dog)
Ok I’ve been laying here scratching myself for way too long. Every night there is another bat crap crazy incident that leaves me tucked under the bed like a 2 week old scared kitten and it takes a lot for me to admit that, because I hate kittens, like hate. Ugh, so cross. Any way your dog here, you know man’s best what ever. It’s time we had a talk because all day long people are in and out of this place begging you to go to rehab and you keep sayin’ no, no, no, like some b-list, alive for now Winehouse. Well these puppy eyes have seen the coming of the floor. You know like the time the floor came out of no where and smacked you right in the teeth? Yup I was there, I see everything so I am best qualified to weigh in on whether or not you, my sweet and wobbly owner should go to drug rehab. For starters you named me…
Kareem Abdul Ja-Bark.
Do you have any freakin’ clue how hard it is to chase tail in the dog park with a name like Kareem frekin’ Abdul Ja-Bark. It’s unbearable, anyone who would name their sweet, adorable, sometimes confused about where not to tinkle puppy Kareem Abdul Ja-Bark needs to be in rehab.
Now the other day I was on the scent of Cheeto you left under the couch last Christmas and I heard you telling your Mom that you are not going to drug rehab because you don’t know who will take care of your dog. Well I’m your dog and I got a few things to say about it’s time for some real bark.
Michael Vick Would Take Better Care of A Dog
So let me get this straight. Your excuse for not going to rehab is that you can’t find anyone to take care of me, your dog? That’s almost as good as the time I said I attacked the couch cushions because they talked junk about my Mom. I ain’t ever even met the lady and you haven’t taken good care of me since you discovered heroin, so we’re both lying. You area drug addict my puke prone master – you can’t even take care of yourself. All the bills are unpaid, none of your clothes have been washed, pizza boxes cover the floor (no complaint here) and I’ve watched your face turn blue from an overdose twice this month. The emotional pain I have to endure watching you do this to yourself is devastating.
You know what else sucks about having a master who is an addict? I look and smell awful. You haven’t bathed me in months, I don’t even know what a vet is and I have so many ticks and fleas crawling over I’m about two seconds away from picking up a bottle. Hell, Michael Vick takes better care of his dogs! Let someone else watch me for 30 or 90 days, anyone (ok maybe not Michael Vick). I will be fine and compared to the life I am living right now with you anything will be better than this. But, just incase you are open to suggestions I’ve done a little research on some pretty sweet boarding places. Some of these places are like Sandals Jamaica only for dogs! All you can sniff butts, free food, drinks and I can sleep like a dog because I won’t be wondering if my owner is going to make it home at night.
Focus on Yourself In Rehab, Dogs Are Bad Therapists
If you decide that you are not going to drug rehab and you are going to try and stay sober with my help, you really do need medical attention. I can’t help you stay sober, If I could I would have by now and I’d be rich as hell. A dog that cured addiction? Female dog please, I’d ditch you and head to Cabo with that lady from lady and the tramp. You need to focus on yourself and on your recovery without me as a distraction. By making excuses for why you are not going to drug rehab, you are failing to make any progress towards figuring out how to stop the giant steaming pile of consequences from growing. I’ve got tape worm and heart worm from your dereliction of duties and even I think you’re health is a concern. You’ve got hepatitis b from sharing needles, your kidneys are in trouble and you haven’t been free of bruises in years. Not to mention you have a felony, no job and every month your bank account goes negative.
In an IOP (Intensive Outpatient) rehab or at the bare minimum a good OP (Outpatient) treatment center you’ll be able to figure why once you start drinking and using drugs you can’t stop. I can’t help you with that. I am not an addict, well, except for the whole incident with the birthday cake but come on not even that pansy ass Lassie could resist a Carvel ice cream cake with the crunchies inside. You have a lot of issues, craving and medical stuff you need to deal with and that can not be done alone. Take this time for yourself and get back up on your feet.
Addicts Help Others Addicts Stay Sober
Ok, real bark. I have more friends than you and I’m a dog. That’s sad. The only people you bring around either get paid to be here or bring tiny packages that you try to kill yourself with. These type of people are not going to help you get sober and lead a happy life. Take my friend snuggle the hound mix. Normally her and I would not mix, but this one time when you left me out all night without food and water she showed me how to get to the dumpster behind Burger King and I ate chicken fries for days. (because you were in jail for your 3rd DUI). You need someone like snuggles. Someone who used to be addicted but has found the oasis of recovery and can help you find yourself again.
One alcoholic talking to another dog is not how AA got started. It was one alcoholic talking to another alcoholic that gave millions hope and recovery. You need to get on that track and I can’t help you do it. Plus, look at the benefits for me. Find an AA sponsor with more time than you, who also may have a nice young female poodle looking to have my babies and we both get our jollies! You become happy joyous and free and get to do it… wait for it, wait for it… doggy style!
Not Going To Rehab Will Ruin Your Family
Do you know how many times I’ve watched your mother holding you hand crying waiting for the paramedics to arrive? The answer is 5. Do you know how many times I’ve heard your brother banging on the door while you lay passed out on the bathroom floor? The answer is 3 and do you know how many times I stayed up all night staring out the window wondering if you had died on your way home from the bar? I don’t because I lost count. You are seriously considering not going to drug rehab because of me your dog? You are essentially putting be before your entire family? How disrespectful is that. Yeah we’ve been through a lot you and I but you family loves you the most. Forget about me for a few months, forget about this pathetic excuse for not going to drug rehab. You need help and you have to get it now. I will not watch you suffer anymore. I will not listen to your mom cry and I swear if you don’t get help soon I’m changing my name to old yeller just so someone will take me out to the barn and end my suffering, because you wouldn’t go to rehab and end yours.
We could have a great life again my friend just do the right thing.
Kareem Abdul Ja-Bark.